January 17, 2008

My Mask Of Serenity

You may be wondering from the title what exactly a mask of serenity is. The second I step onto the school campus after avoiding getting run over by cars an internal mask comes over me. When I have it on nothing can hurt me or upset, but I can’t really feel any emotions. I act happy, but inside I feel a bit numb. I can feel happiness and can get a bit upset, but anxiety doesn’t overwhelm me and I can’t feel tear inducing pain.

All day I hold in all my emotions. I only show happiness or if I don't feel happy I don't show any emotions except to my closest friends. My happy side of me is more content than overly cheerful. Sometimes I fear that if I let them see the part of me in pain they’ll treat me different and it’s hard for me to trust them with my feelings. It’s just easier to stay numb. My emotions whack against a wall inside of me, but I just ignore them. I put them off for later and never show a sign of how I am internally feeling.

It is helpful in some ways. I don’t burden my friends with my problems and I don’t make any public fights. I never fight in public… I don’t really express anything in public. It is in private that I have my fights with my friends and really express how I feel.

When I get home sometimes I just collapse on my bed and sob. I hold all my pains and emotions and I feel like I am about to explode. When I get off the bus I feel like sprinting to my house. The relief I feel when I am all alone and am finally able to be myself if is indescribable. I wish I could just let go of my mask, because when I get home the pain wouldn’t be so built up. Maybe when I am with friends in private I wouldn’t snap at them, because everything hasn’t been pent

But how can I let go of my mask? How can I let my guard down? I don’t know how to, but at least I’ve decided I want to. And at least admitted it, because now I don’t have to bear it alone.


C-Squared said...

I used to do the exact same thing, especially my Sophomore year. I was at a new school and i was totally alone. Things were pretty crazy.

Everyone has some things that they sort of block out. Getting past that though, is a very gradual and difficult process. I'm still trying to figure all those things out two years later.

One thing I have started to do recently is make a conscious effort at identifying my decisions and my indecision. I try to notice it when I tell myself, "no" about something, and then I try to make that a "yes" or I make a note about it so I can do things differently next time.

Many of the anxieties we experience every day are simply from telling ourselves no. Remember that you are definitely not alone, and everyone experiences these things each day. Good luck :)

Selene said...

Thank you! It was very encouraging to hear you say that. High school is a very difficult time and I am constantly reminded I am the only person I can truly depend on.

Candice said...

Selene...you are an amazing writer! This blog was awesome, it almost felt like I was reading a novel! I know how you feel too about wearing the mask and hey guess what? It doesnt end after HS. I encourage you to learn how to overcome these things now so you wont bring them with you after HS like so many other ppl. If you ever want to read up on som HS survival tips check out my blog or go to my website. Take care!

ps. you should seriously consider becoming a writer...