January 15, 2008

I Have Trust Issues

Trust is a major issue with me. Everyone tells me their secrets and I give them my full attention. Some of them even call me Dr. Phil, because I always tell give them advice. I always keep their secrets, but not everyone keeps my secrets and that is the reason I have trust problems.

I used to trust everyone without a singly doubt in my mind. I would trust people until they hurt me so badly that I couldn’t trust them any longer. But so many betrayed my trust and each time it surprised me, because I tried to expect the best in people. The last time someone completely went behind my back and told my secrets my trust issues began.

My trust issues became apparent when Isabel became friends with Katie (the person who started my trust issues). Isabel has been my friend forever, but she didn’t really understand the extent of what happened. I couldn’t talk about it, because it was too painful. Isabel didn’t know what happened, but she knew it had deeply upset me.

When I found out Isabel had begun to hang out with Katie I felt as if Isabel had betrayed me. Maybe she didn’t know the details of what happened, but I felt as if she shouldn’t have to. I had assumed that my pain should have been enough for her and she should be on my side. A belief of mine is whether my friends are right or wrong I will stay loyal to them.

After that I had trouble trusting Isabel with my secrets. I presumed if Isabel would betray me by being friends with Katie than she could betray my secrets. I became more guarded around her and people in general. My friends would go on about themselves and whenever they asked about me I would steer the conversation back to them. They would say what a wonderful conversation we had, because we had talked about them the entire time. I would shift it so discrettly usually they wouldn’t even realize we hadn’t talked about me.

I’ve come to realize that life is too short to hide everything. Sometimes you just have to live and if you get hurt than you learned a lesson. I trust Isabel again, but sometimes it is still is hard for me to trust other people. I look at it in a different view. Before I assumed that my friends wouldn’t hurt me until they proved it to me. Now, I don’t fully trust them until they prove it to me.


Isabel said...

I want you to know I didn’t betray you by becoming friends with Katie. I really didn’t “become” friends with her out of spite or anything, I’d already liked her from when you were friends with her too. She’d just never done anything wrong to me. I’d never never do something bad to you just because I like her. :]

Selene said...

I know you didn’t become friends with her out of spite. I was just in pain and all I could see was you becoming friends with "the enemy". It occured to me over the summer that life shouldn’t be wasted by holding grudges. I had stopped holding a grudge against her a long time ago, but I was just citing the reason why my trust issues began. I'm having to live with the results of what happened between me and Katie even though I don't hold a grudge against her anymore.

Anonymous said...

thats part of life i really didnt think isabel did anything wrong people are allowed to make friends n thats part of life some friends come and go people will walk all over u but u have to learn to move on its just a lemon life has gave u n if that doesnt work. I say if life gives u lemons beat the crap out of it till u get some lemonade so u dont have to waste the time u have of yr youth worrying about yr friends u should be worrying how u going to make the best of everything n just be u and coming out someone great.
Hope my advice help :)

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